The McCreary County Record


September 18, 2007

WRITE ON: Procrastinators Anonymous Again Fails To Meet

The annual meeting of Procrastinators Anonymous has been postponed—again. The group, whose motto is "Always put off until tomorrow what you can do today,” never seems to be able to get together. The last time they did meet, in a ruckus held back in 1941, they couldn’t vote on an agenda or even a seating plan. Names were called and epithets hurled. It got pretty ugly, which some members considered an oxymoron.

"Who are you calling an oxymoron?” demanded Procrastinator President Sammy "Seven Second‚” DeLay (no relation to Tom).

"I’m calling you an oxymoron, you Big Nothing” snarled Recording Secretary Ima Staller. At that point, she slapped DeLay with a large stack of unpaid parking tickets. DeLay challenged her to a duel at dawn behind the Rip Van Winkle Motor Lodge in Tarrytown, New York. After much dithering, Staller accepted the challenge. The weapons chosen were the same pistols used in another famous duel — the one in which Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton. These treasured handguns are kept as artifacts by the club because, had Hamilton procrastinated instead of attending the duel, he might be alive today.

Naturally, the duel‚Äôs principals DeLay and Staller had second thoughts and failed to show up. The only ones to appear were their stand-in’s or "seconds” who were dressed in matching pink and yellow duelling outfits. However, they fled in uncharacteristic haste when they realized they might actually have to decide to fight. "Precious Seconds Lost” was how the association’s newspaper‚ “The Behind The Times‚” reported the event years later when it was accidentally published for the first and only time. Fortunately, copies of the paper were never distributed by its Out-Of-Circulation Department, which couldn’t decide where to start. DeLay claimed victory after Ima Staller failed to appear. Staller also claimed victory, and the matter has been awaiting a decision ever since.

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