The McCreary County Record

Opinion

September 18, 2007

WRITE ON: Procrastinators Anonymous Again Fails To Meet

The annual meeting of Procrastinators Anonymous has been postponed—again. The group, whose motto is "Always put off until tomorrow what you can do today,” never seems to be able to get together. The last time they did meet, in a ruckus held back in 1941, they couldn’t vote on an agenda or even a seating plan. Names were called and epithets hurled. It got pretty ugly, which some members considered an oxymoron.

"Who are you calling an oxymoron?” demanded Procrastinator President Sammy "Seven Second‚” DeLay (no relation to Tom).

"I’m calling you an oxymoron, you Big Nothing” snarled Recording Secretary Ima Staller. At that point, she slapped DeLay with a large stack of unpaid parking tickets. DeLay challenged her to a duel at dawn behind the Rip Van Winkle Motor Lodge in Tarrytown, New York. After much dithering, Staller accepted the challenge. The weapons chosen were the same pistols used in another famous duel — the one in which Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton. These treasured handguns are kept as artifacts by the club because, had Hamilton procrastinated instead of attending the duel, he might be alive today.

Naturally, the duel‚Äôs principals DeLay and Staller had second thoughts and failed to show up. The only ones to appear were their stand-in’s or "seconds” who were dressed in matching pink and yellow duelling outfits. However, they fled in uncharacteristic haste when they realized they might actually have to decide to fight. "Precious Seconds Lost” was how the association’s newspaper‚ “The Behind The Times‚” reported the event years later when it was accidentally published for the first and only time. Fortunately, copies of the paper were never distributed by its Out-Of-Circulation Department, which couldn’t decide where to start. DeLay claimed victory after Ima Staller failed to appear. Staller also claimed victory, and the matter has been awaiting a decision ever since.

Text Only
Opinion
  • Ronnie Ellis Deciding the State House majority

    As discussed here previously, the most important elections in Kentucky this fall may be those which decide the majority of the state House of Representatives.

    July 23, 2014 1 Photo

  • Ronnie Ellis Tompkinsville, here we come!

    I spent some time this week with Republicans Hal Heiner and James Comer as well as Democrat Jack Conway.
    Heiner and Conway have announced they’re running for governor next

    July 15, 2014 1 Photo

  • Ronnie Ellis It’s been an interesting week

    One column can’t cover everything from a busy week of political events, but here are some quick takeaways from last week.
    I ran into Clarence Yancey at the Alison Lundergan Grimes rally at U

    July 9, 2014 1 Photo

  • Ronnie Ellis Early election intrigue

    Maybe the media and hopeful Democrats Let’s look at some things other than the U.S. Senate race between incumbent Republican Mitch McConnell and Democrat Alison Lundergan Grimes. (A year ago,

    July 3, 2014 1 Photo

  • Ronnie Ellis Senate race pumps up Fancy Farm

    It’s almost time for the 134th annual Fancy Farm, a unique political spectacle you can find nowhere else. The annual fundraiser for St. Jerome’s Parish in far western Kentucky is also the world’s largest

    June 24, 2014 1 Photo

  • Ronnie Ellis Grimes must shift debate to economics

    Forget the polls which show Democratic challenger Alison Lundergan Grimes maintaining a small lead over incumbent Republican U.S. Sen. Mitch McConnell.

    June 18, 2014 1 Photo

  • Ronnie Ellis No Lincoln or Douglas in this debate

    Remember the famous slap-down in the 1988 vice presidential debate when Republican Dan Quayle compared his youth and limited government experience to those of John Kennedy’s when Kennedy

    June 10, 2014 1 Photo

  • Ronnie Ellis Don’t be confused by ‘facts’

    Over the next six months Kentucky will endure a dispiriting “debate” about the Affordable Care Act or Obamacare.
    You’ll be inundated with “facts” which support one side or the other. A

    June 3, 2014 1 Photo

  • Ronnie Ellis Senate campaign already in full bloom

    Any hope for a respite in the U.S. Senate campaign following Tuesday’s primary disappeared immediately. Mitch McConnell and Alison Lundergan Grimes came out swinging in victory speeches

    May 29, 2014 1 Photo

  • Ronnie Ellis ‘Ordinary’ sometimes extraordinary

    Regular readers know I’m sometimes pessimistic about Kentucky’s future. I frequently see the magnitude of Kentucky’s problems and the limited vision of politicians we ask to confront them.

    May 21, 2014 1 Photo